Welcome to TheGamer's latest column, where the editors with the least shame (Editor-in-Chief Stacey Henley, and Tabletop Editor Joe Parlock) discuss every Pokemon in their regional Dex order and each designates them as 'smash' or 'pass'. Stacey is a lesbian and Joe is gay, but Stacey's sexuality could best be described as 'lesbian plus Timothee Chalamet', while Joe's is 'gay and also has a not-so-secret crush on those NFT lions', so between them they cover the spread of Pokemon designs quite well. To keep things interesting, they will each cover all Pokemon but answer alternatively, meaning Joe will answer for Bulbasaur first, then Stacey will answer for Ivysaur first, and so on. They're also aiming for a 25 percent 'smash' rate for each region, to avoid them suddenly growing a sense of dignity and passing on them all.
Alternative forms like Megas, Gigantamax, regional variants, and shinies will not be rated, but may be taken into consideration as Stacey and Joe humiliate themselves with their overall judgement. With the ground rules out of the way, let's begin.
Joe: Pass, exciting start.
Stacey: Yep, pass.
Stacey: If I had to pick one of the Bulbasaur line… but I don’t, so pass.
Joe: Also pass, it has weird teenager energy I don’t like.
Joe: Okay, here we go: smash. It’s got this protective and powerful feeling, which is important when smashing plants.
Stacey: It’s a big ugly frog. Pass.
Stacey: A lizard and a child. Pass.
Joe: This is absolutely a child, pass.
Joe: Like Ivysaur, this is a gross teenager. Pass.
Stacey: Still passing on everything so far.
Stacey: This is the first viable option, but I’m still going to pass.
Joe: Coward, smash. I know Charizard isn’t a Dragon-type, but who wouldn’t want to go to bonetown with a mythical creature?
Joe: Another child, another pass.
Stacey: Yep, pass.
Stacey: Less of a teenager here than a broody twink, but knowing what’s coming up, I’m sticking with pass before a smash streak.
Joe: Wartortle is definitely the most smashable mid-stage evolution for the Kanto starters, but not enough to justify it. Pass.
Joe: Absolute smash. Easy smash. Unashamed smash. This is a big, powerful boy you can sink your claws into.
Stacey: I actually think Blastoise is more of a cuddly creature than just raw power, but that said, smash.
Stacey: A plastic toy shaped like Caterpie? Maybe. Real thing? Pass.
Joe: Being an actual caterpillar aside, the fronds on the head make it a risky smash, so I’ll pass.
Joe: Metapod can’t move, which makes this weird and an easy pass.
Stacey: I don’t think we can do these lists without a little curiosity, Joe. I’m going smash, if only to learn how.
Stacey: A surprisingly easy smash.
Joe: I get it, I honestly do. But pass.
Joe: I think Weedle probably has more uses than a Caterpie, and I’m sure the venom is a plus to some. But no thanks, pass.
Stacey: Same answer as Caterpie. Pass.
Stacey: I’m not curious enough to double dip, so pass.
Joe: At least Kakuna has arms. Still pass, but being fine with Metapod and not Kakuna sure is a choice.
Joe: Another big choice is I’m smashing Beedrill. Those pincers have multiple purposes.
Stacey: Gross and venomous. Pass.
Stacey: Literally just a pigeon. Pass.
Joe: I had to think about this more than I care to admit, but I did decide on pass.
Joe: Pidgeotto has a cool vibe, but pass.
Stacey: Pidgeotto is the most majestic of the trio, a rarity for a mid-stage evo, and again, curiosity. Smash.
Stacey: Pass, in favour of Pidgeotto.
Joe: You can smash more than one bird, you know. Pidgeot’s where it’s at, and I’m smashing all the way to Celadon.
Joe: Teeth, ew, no. Pass.
Stacey: Honestly, a human-sized Alolan version would be tempting, but ultimately pass.
Stacey: The worse rat option. Pass.
Joe: One of the worst Pokemon ever designed, pass.
Joe: Oh hey, it’s less-good-Pidgey. Pass.
Stacey: Easy pass.
Stacey: Easier pass. Too scary.
Joe: Fearow’s smaller than Pidgeot, which I find weird. And yeah, very scary. Pass.
Joe: This is another one I get the appeal of, but pass.
Stacey: Basically a baby snake, I see no appeal. Pass.
Stacey: An adult snake, but I still don’t see the appeal. Pass.
Joe: Smash, big dommy vibes, and this boy is flexible to sweeten the deal.
Joe: It’d be cool to say I’d smashed a celebrity, but it is also a mouse. Pass.
Stacey: I have the same problem, Pikachu is basically a movie star. But it’s Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, so pass.
Stacey: For the chill Alolan surfer pro, a definite smash.
Joe: Raichu is just washed up Pikachu who isn’t as famous or cute anymore, pass.
Joe: Sandshrew seems like a closed-off and selfish lover, pass.
Stacey: Pass, seems too babified.
Stacey: Oh, easy smash.
Joe: A very hesitant smash.
029 Nidoran F
Joe: I am gay, which shouldn’t really matter when this thing is a baby dinosaur, but it does. Pass.
Stacey: Another child. Pass.
Stacey: Just like, an older child, right? Pass.
Joe: The mid-stage teenager problem strikes again, pass.
Joe: I may be gay, but I’m not gay enough to pass up on Nidoqueen. Without a second though, smash that royalty.
Stacey: Yeah Nidoqueen is an easy smash.
032 Nidoran M
Stacey: And the cycle starts again with another child. Pass.
Joe: This is a cool child, but just a cool child. Pass.
Joe: Nidorino’s cooler than Nidorina, but that doesn’t make it smashable. Pass.
Stacey: Disagree on it being cooler, agree on the pass.
Stacey: Can’t have the queen without the king. Smash.
Joe: Nidoking is one of the most Daddy Pokemon in Gen 1. Easiest smash so far.
Joe: It’d be like banging a marshmallow, pass.
Stacey: That doesn’t sound too bad, but still pass.
Stacey: However, this one is a very easy smash.
Joe: This is Clefairy after the glow-up, smash.
Joe: I know “it’s an animal” will apply to the vast majority of Pokemon, but Vulpix is literally just a fox. Pass.
Stacey: Foxes are famously one of the sexiest animals, but this is another widdle baby. Pass, but I love it nonetheless.
Stacey: Foxes are famously one of the sexiest animals, I just said it. Smash.
Joe: I feel judged by Ninetales, so pass. I don’t need that in my life.
Joe: This is just a repeat of Clefairy, right? It’s a marshmallow, pass.
Stacey: If forced, I'd go Jiggly over Clefairy, but still a pass.
Stacey: Major downgrade on Clefable. A melted Furby. Pass.
Joe: Bratty Clefable, pass.
Joe: Too many hours in Mt. Moon not to have a few negative feelings towards this bastard. And not even enough for a hate-smash. Pass.
Stacey: Also, it’s a small weird bat. Pass.
Stacey: A big weird bat. Pass.
Joe: Knowing there are hotter bats in other generations, this is a pass.
Joe: I don’t go into the garden and screw a turnip, so I’m passing on Oddish.
Stacey: An easy pass.
Stacey: Followed by an easy smash, I love Gloom’s energy.
Joe: Too much drool, hard pass.
Joe: Vileplume is famously stinky, so pass.
Stacey: Gloom was enough, pass.
Stacey: No one wants crabs. Pass.
Joe: Pincers and those weird, gross mandibles make me not even want to look at this thing. Pass.
Joe: With the mandibles gone and a chill stoner vibe, it’s a smash for Parasect.
Stacey: This is basically necrophilia, it’s dead and controlled by the mushroom. Pass.
Stacey: A tougher choice than it should be, but pass.
Joe: Throw this on the “I get it, but pass” pile.
Joe: Not exactly a Beedrill, is it? Pass.
Stacey: Ugly Butterfree. Pass.
Stacey: That’s floor shit right there. Pass.
Joe: Flared base, though. Smash.
Joe: There is too much of a good thing, pass. Especially for the Alolan ones with the wigs.
Stacey: That’s three floor shits. Pass.
Stacey: It can talk and that’s cool, but none of the six million variants are smashable. Pass.
Joe: I could maybe stretch to Galarian Meowth if pressed, but pass.
Joe: Persian would call me slurs and I’d be fine with that. Smash.
Stacey: You have to smash. I would judge you if you didn’t.
Stacey: I would judge you if you did. Pass.
Joe: I feel too sorry for it to smash. Pass.
Joe: On the other hand, Golduck is an easy smash.
Stacey: Ticks a lot of boxes for my usual smashes, but doesn’t quite work. Pass.
Stacey: Another pass. Ugly.
Joe: Mankey sucks, pass.
Joe: I’ve seen guys who look like Primeape on a few apps. Smash.
Stacey: Primeape makes me want to shout “but I can change him!”, and I think it’s a one-off and regretful smash.
Stacey: Growlithe is best friends with the cops. Pass.
Joe: ACAB. Pass.
Joe: Considering my track record so far, you’d think Arcanine would be a smash, but it’s just too dog-like. Pass.
Stacey: I see it, but I don’t want it. Pass.
Stacey: How would this even work? Pass.
Joe: I’m sure someone would find a way, but that person is not me. Pass.
Joe: Poliwhirl is a slightly hesitant smash, I’m curious to see what this eager chap can do.
Stacey: Like a Victorian urchin crossed with a hypnotic frog. Pass.
Stacey: Oh god yes, smash.
Joe: This is Poliwhirl with confidence, incredibly easy smash.
Joe: Abra ghosts you before you can arrange the hook-up. Pass.
Stacey: Also it’s ugly. Pass.
Stacey: A mid-stage that avoids the teenage problem, but also seems like it’s weirdly into magic tricks and calls its mother to tell it how much it loves her during your date. Pass.
Joe: Some Pokedex entries also call it a young boy whose psychic powers turned him into a Pokemon, so pass.
Joe: No young-boy-in-a-pokemon’s-body qualms here, smash.
Stacey: Another one that I see, but can’t commit to. Pass.
Stacey: A little boy. Pass.
Joe: A little boy that looks too much like Morph. Pass.
Joe: By far the easiest, most enthusiastic smash in all of gen 1. A mega-smash. A long, committed relationship full of smashing. Machoke is hot.
Stacey: I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s the horse to bet on in the Machop line. Easy smash.
Stacey: It’s no Machoke, but we’re still smashing.
Joe: Agreed, smash, but I’m thinking of Machoke while doing the deed.
Joe: There’s utility here, but it’s a plant. Pass.
Stacey: Yeah, nothing doing here. Pass.
Stacey: Just a head, which makes it too weird. Pass.
Joe: This has the same ethical problems as Kakuna. It can’t move, therefore I will pass.
Joe: Don’t the plants these are based on have digestive juices or something? I’m not going anywhere near that, pass.
Stacey: Unless you’re into vore, this is a complete waste of a Pokemon line. Pass.
Stacey: Water Zubat. Pass.
Joe: I’m not averse to jellyfish, but pass.
Joe: There are better jellyfish later on, pass.
Stacey: I am averse to jellyfish. Pass.
Stacey: A rock that is somehow also a child. Pass.
Joe: I don’t get child vibes off Geodude. This is a short king, smash.
Joe: I’m shocked that Geodude is the most smashable line for me so far, but it’s a smash on Graveler too.
Stacey: Joe is taking the lead by a distance, but I can’t bring myself to make it with a rock. Pass.
Stacey: Pass. This whole line is a waste of my time.
Joe: We’re officially half-way through this generation, but I wouldn’t smash Kantonian Golem. Alolan Golem, though? Smash.
Joe: I don’t like horses, the fact they’re easily scared and have hammers on their feet freaks me out. Pass.
Stacey: I’m a horse girl and I’m seizing my moment. Smash.
Stacey: Obviously. Maybe my number one pick for this Gen? Majestic. Glorious. Powerful. Tender. Smash.
Joe: I get it, I really do. But it’s a horse. Pass.
Joe: This feels illegal, pass.
Stacey: Yeah, the ethics, above all else, make this a pass.
Stacey: I still think it’s uncomfortable. Pass.
Joe: Slightly more justifiable than a Slowpoke, but not by much. Pass.
Joe: How? Pass.
Stacey: Yep, pass.
Stacey: Controversially, I think three sentient magnetic orbs sounds like an invitation not to be missed. An experimental smash.
Joe: A Biblically Accurate Smash.
Joe: Geodude gives off the short king energy I like, Farfetch’d is just Short Man Syndrome personified. Pass.
Stacey: Also, it’s just a duck. Pass.
Stacey: Ostriches are my biggest fear, irrational as that is for someone in the north of England. Pass.
Joe: Doduo’s two heads give me an existential crisis, pass.
Joe: The fact that one head splits into two when it evolves from Doduo is an immediate ick, so pass.
Stacey: Pass, a worse Doduo.
Stacey: Like Vulpix, I just don’t love it that way. Pass.
Joe: Seel is a child, pass.
Joe: I’m very torn on this one, so I’m going to say smash and hope I don’t regret it later.
Stacey: I’m not torn. Smash, for sure.
Stacey: There are a lot of Poison-types and other dangers we’re basically ignoring. Assuming Grimer is non-toxic and would cause no harm, I’m going smash.
Joe: Grimer looks too eager. He’s so excited to be having sex that he does nothing for me, pass.
Joe: On the other hand, Muk’s been around the block a few times. The thought of sinking into his goopy body afterwards is too good an opportunity to pass up on, so smash.
Stacey: A bigger, messier, probably warmer Grimer. For sure a smash.
Stacey: Looks like it poses an immediate danger to any and all body parts. Pass.
Joe: This is an awkward A&E visit waiting to happen, pass.
Joe: Not even touching this nightmare, pass.
Stacey: Despite the obvious design inspiration, it again feels too dangerous to risk. Pass.
Stacey: A ball of gas does not sound like a fun time. Pass.
Joe: Gastly is a child, pass.
Joe: Haunter is the hottest one of this line by far, but he also seems like the meanest. It’s a smash, but he’s not as smashable as he could be if he dropped the mean act.
Stacey: The meanness is obviously part of the appeal. Smash.
Stacey: The toughest one so far, Gengy is an all time favourite and I have a stuffed Gengar on my desk. Hot, but I don’t want to risk our friendship. Pass.
Joe: I have no problem smashing Gengar, on the other hand.
Joe: Even I’m not that brave, pass.
Stacey: Gotta pass.
Stacey: Literally a pedo abducting kids, right? Pass for sure.
Joe: He’s waist-high in shit, pass.
Joe: There’s appeal there for sure, but Hypno creeps me out. Pass.
Stacey: Weird and gross, easy pass.
Stacey: Pretend I saved my crabs joke for now, when there’s an actual crab. Anyway, pass.
Joe: After horses, crabs are my least favourite animal. Pass.
Joe: Oh look, an even scarier crab. Pass.
Stacey: An easy pass, no chance.
Stacey: For the same reason as Magnemite, smash.
Joe: Strong eyebrows, but… how? Pass.
Joe: He lost the eyebrows, the one appealing thing about Voltorb. Pass.
Stacey: And for the same reason as Voltorb, smash.
Stacey: It’s eggs, and they’re not even all fresh. Pass.
Joe: It looks painful to be an Exeggcute and I wouldn’t be able to look past that one smashed-up one. Pass.
Joe: Purely for the experience, this is a smash. Bonus points if it’s Alolan.
Stacey: Fat or tall, it’s still just a goofy tree. Pass.
Stacey: Sad child. Pass.
Joe: Absolutely not, this is an orphan. Pass.
Joe: The fact Cubone never ditched the skull is weird. Pass.
Stacey: Kantonian is Mommy, Alolan is Daddy, and Stacey makes three. Smash.
Stacey: Pass, I came over here to see if your brother was single.
Joe: If you won’t have him, I will. Smash.
Joe: It’s probably bad I’m using “too human” as an excuse, but Hitmonchan is too human. Pass.
Stacey: Obviously an easy smash.
Stacey: But not quite as obvious as this one. Smash for sure.
Joe: It feels like a waste of time even asking us this one, of course it’s a smash.
Joe: He’s got the same problem as Grimer. He’s too eager. Pass.
Stacey: I had no issue with Grimer but draw the line here. Pass.
Stacey: Weezing was already a pass, but the Galarian version went from just a regular ball of cancerous gas to a ball of cancerous gas who also operates a factory on child labour. Obvious pass.
Joe: Galarian Weezing is too much of a Tory, but Kantonian has that strong brow game I love. Smash.
Joe: This line gets a lot better, but Rhyhorn is just a rhino. Pass.
Stacey: The line gets better, then so much worse, but that’s a question for another Gen. Pass.
Stacey: The line peaks here, and it’s a smash, but not as enthusiastic as you might expect.
Joe: He’s a not-as-good Nidoking, but when you’re comparing something to actual royalty, you know it’s still a good smash.
Joe: No. If I wouldn’t smash Exeggcute, why would one big, fleshy egg do it for me? Pass.
Stacey: Yes. Put the nurse’s hat on. Easy smash.
Stacey: Why the hell not? I think this is a smash too.
Joe: I’ll wait for its big brother in a later gen, pass.
Joe: Maybe, if the kid can leave the room first. But I don’t think she’d allow it, so pass.
Stacey: I’m on a three-strong smash streak, and I’m on the fence. To keep it going, assuming the kid leaves, I’ll go for smash.
Stacey: The streak ends. Pass.
Joe: I had to think way too hard about this one, and I don’t want to be weighing up the pros and cons this much for a potential smash, so I’ll pass.
Joe: Seadra scares me, pass.
Stacey: This line will have its moment, but not here. Pass.
Stacey: Pass, just a fish with a spike.
Joe: The most just-a-fish fish Pokemon out there, pass.
Joe: Being a king doesn’t save Seaking. Pass.
Stacey: King of the stupid ugly fish. Woohoo. Pass.
Stacey: Curious, but I’ll wait. Pass.
Joe: I’m dubious this thing could even be sentient if it tried, so pass.
Joe: I get it more than I get Staryu, but it’s still a pass.
Stacey: I get it way more than Staryu. Smash.
122 Mr. Mime
Stacey: Absolutely not. Pass.
Joe: Now hold on one second. I’d smash either of them just to say I had, but there’s a lot to appreciate about Galarian Mr. Mime. Smash.
Joe: Finally, a bug I can get into, smash.
Stacey: It’s a little scary, but not enough to put me off. Smash.
Stacey: Smash. Why even ask me?
Joe: Goldeen is looking a lot more appealing now. Pass.
Joe: One of my favourite Pokemon, and it gets even better later on. Definitely smash.
Stacey: Starts bad, gets worse. Pass.
Stacey: As above. Pass.
Joe: Gross butt-duck-guy-fieri-thing, pass.
Joe: If I squint, there’s a smashable bug here, but he just looks angry. Pass.
Stacey: It looks best when I squint so hard I close my eyes. Pass.
Stacey: For the reasons Joe let Rapidash slip by, I’m passing.
Joe: Tauros is cool, but not smashable. Pass.
Joe: I almost want to say yes to give this guy one achievement in his pathetic life, but that’s no foundation for a relationship. Pass.
Stacey: Again, this feels unethical before you consider anything else. Pass.
Stacey: A great Pokemon but in no way is it a smashable one. Pass for sure.
Joe: I wouldn’t say there’s no way it could be smashable, but I’m still going to pass.
Joe: I can’t think of any practical way of doing it, but I’d be willing to try. Smash.
Stacey: I don’t feel worthy of it. Pass.
Stacey: If it turns into anyone, ideal. If it turns into me, I’m down for that. If it stays as it is, nah. Two out of three means this is a smash.
Joe: I’d never considered it potentially turning into me, which is a risk I can’t take. Pass.
Joe: Too much like a baby, pass.
Stacey: Yep, another child. Pass.
Stacey: We’ve all read it. You’d have to try it. Smash, in the name of science.
Joe: This is one experience I’m willing to skip on. Pass, he’s too slippery.
Joe: Jolteon is my favourite Eeveelution, but that doesn’t mean I’d smash him. Pass.
Stacey: Too spiky, so it has to be a pass.
Stacey: You’d need a control Eeveelution for the Vaporeon experiment, so smash for science once more.
Joe: I admire the rigorous scientific method, but I’m also not smashing Flareon, sorry.
Joe: The boy. The lad. My favourite Pokemon out of all 1008 of them, Porygon is an absolute champion. I wouldn’t smash him, mind, but I just needed to show some love before Stacey immediately tears down this wonderful specimen. Pass, but fondly.
Stacey: You fucked my beloved Gengar, then immediately ditched him, but I’ll show Porygon more grace. I just don’t understand how it would work physically – is Porygon not just a hologram or a program or some kind of computer gram? Anyway, pass.
Stacey: Pass, most fossil Pokemon will be a pass.
Joe: We do not shag the historical artifacts. Pass.
Joe: We still do not shag the historical artifacts. Pass.
Stacey: Way too scary as well. Pass.
Stacey: No chance. Pass.
Joe: I used to have an actual, visceral phobia of horseshoe crabs. I’m over it now, but not enough to smash Kabuto. Pass.
Joe: The most smashable of the fossil Pokemon, and boy does he sure have abs. But it’s still a horseshoe crab, so pass.
Stacey: Agree with everything Joe said, and I’m landing on pass all the same.
Stacey: Kind of get it, I suppose, but not for me. Pass.
Joe: The mouth puts me off, it’s too freakishly big. Pass.
Joe: Oh come on, easy smash. A big boy up for cuddling after is the dream.
Stacey: I knew Joe would smash, just as he knew I would not. Pass.
Stacey: I feel you have to pick one of the Legendary birds at least, and Articuno is the front runner by a distance, so smash.
Joe: Pass on Kantonian Articuno, he seems a bit bland. Galarian Articuno has the same slur-calling appeal as Persian though, so it’s an overall smash.
Joe: I love Zapdos to bits, but smashing it would be uncomfortable. It’s too spiky in both forms, pass.
Stacey: I’m satisfied with Articuno. Pass.
Stacey: The worst of the three. Pass again.
Joe: If I had to smash one of them, it’d be Kantonian Moltres, but I don’t particularly want to. Galarian Moltres is an easy pass too.
Joe: If you just wait for it to evolve, it’d look a lot less baby-like. Pass.
Stacey: Agree with that logic, so that’s an easy pass…
Stacey: …followed by an easy smash.
Joe: I get it, but I’m going to hold out a little bit longer. Pass.
Joe: There we go, the time has come for me to smash. He looks very kind.
Stacey: I prefer Dragonair, to the point where this evolution makes me sad, smash-wise. A pass.
Stacey: When the question is ‘do you want to smash a god’, what the god looks like is unimportant. Smash.
Joe: The sticking point is that gross second neck. I think I can overlook it, but god is it gross. Smash, but don’t turn the lights on.
Joe: There is a point where ‘it’s an all-powerful being’ doesn’t work as a reason to smash, and I think Mew is it. Pass.
Stacey: Yeah I want to caveat my earlier rule to add the asterisk of ‘not if they’re a child’, so pass. We end as we started – opting not to smash a child.
Joe: 38/151 (25.17 percent)
Stacey: 39/151 (25.83 percent)
We made our 25 percent threshold, we win! But also, it feels like we lose. Join us for Johto next week.
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