Reviews

Merry Christmas, I Got You Discourse!

The worst thing about the games industry is the discourse. Even when terrible things happen, we feel the need to make them worse by discussing them in the most depressing, irritating, and exhausting way. Hell, when good things happen we feel the need to make them worse by discussing them in the most depressing, irritating, and exhausting way. So let’s get it all out of the way. Merry Christmas, I got you discourse.

Elden Ring Difficulty

Turns out Elden Ring is both way too easy and also way too hard. It’s coming with a considerable amount of hype behind it, after a surprisingly understated marketing campaign that has only really ramped up in the past few months. That means it’s pitched itself perfectly, generating considerable hype while avoiding the toxicity that comes with over promising. Right? Wrong!

Related: The Games Industry Is Truly RepellentSome people expect Elden Ring to be the ultimate game changer in the RPG space. And the open world space. And the Souls space. And the hack-and-slash space. They get the game, and it’s only a good video game. What the shit! I already got it tattooed on my arse and now it’s so easy my gran could beat it!

Only, some grans can’t beat it. Some people who play a lot of video games can’t beat it. Some – whisper it – journalists can’t beat it. I’m sure someone will write a very original op-ed about video game difficulty in the wake of Elden Ring. Fine, I’ll do it myself.

A Black Character Exists In A Video Game

People lose their shit over this one. We’ve got a bit of a head start on this one, with Forspoken’s team of white writers giving their Black protagonist a hip-hoppy walk to show how darn cool and Black she is.

This happens again, in another game. I mean, probably. There are some legit criticisms of the way Blackness is reduced to its most marketable and consumer friendly tropes in order to sell a video game, mixed in with the fact that Black people don’t represent meeeeeeee!

A Problematic Dev Makes A Good Game

Be grateful I’m getting this discourse out of the way now, because it is tok. sik.

A new game comes out by a developer we all know is shitty. Let’s make up a hypothetical company… Drantic Queam. Anyway they’re making a game, let’s call it War of Stars. Anyway, the game is very bloody good. It’s Mass Effect good. Half of us keep mentioning the abuses in the hope something might change, half of us ignore the abuse completely with our fingers in our ears. A small percentage try to justify enjoying the game and celebrating it because it wouldn’t be fair to Jimmy Jones, a low level programmer, to not celebrate his work that makes untold money for abuses and continues to justify abusive practises.

Collective action never accomplished anything, so why try?

A Wholesome Dev Is Problematic

This one stings. A developer we all know and love, with a string of hugely popular, beloved games, turns out to be ran by a bunch of massive cunts. Please don’t be Insomniac.

Someone Tweets An Opinion, Everyone Has An Opinion On It

If I ever have a tweet so spicy that The Atlantic writes an op-ed about it, I will either die of cringe or put it in my bio forever.

NFTs Somehow Get Worse

This one just keeps going and going and going. People like Keanu Reeves and Josef Fares have already come out against NFTs, while people like Johnny Imamassivebellend continue to defend them. Eventually, our position on NFTs will define us as much as our religions. We will all fight in the great NFT war. Some of us will die at the hands of grown men who spend thousands of dollars on crappy monkeys. Talk about cringe. If you get killed by a ConcernedApe minter you don’t go to Heaven.

Films & Fortnite

Some prestige director says watching films on Netflix is for nonces. The next week their heart-wrenching courtroom drama of love, loss, and betrayal has some skins added to Fortnite.

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